What My Grandpa Will Tell Me On His Deathbed

My grandpa has led quite the life. He’s lived through countless wars, the Civil Rights Movement, and whatever the hell is currently happening in America. With all his experience, I sincerely hope he has a few secrets saved for his deathbed. Here’s a list of a few truth bombs I think he may drop on me.

“Condoms were made of the same rubber as tires”

And in fact, Grandpa will say, if you found yourself in a pinch, you could take the blunt end of a skinnin’ knife and whittle yourself a prophylactic off the rims of your Buick. There’s nothing better than a drive-in movie and a smelly Michelin sheath!

“Cars were safer back when they didn’t have seat belts.”

Speaking of cars, I suspect Grandpa pines for a time when he didn’t feel so chained down. Back in the 60’s, driving was freeing: people were one missed turn away from kissing the windshield. Today, driving is a big commitment. How is Gramps expected to put his seatbelt on EVERY TIME he wants to go somewhere?

“My Great Depression happened in the 60s”

Now Grandpa is not a racist, but he does take offense to the freewheeling hippies that populated his youth. A hardworking man his entire life, Gramps never touched LSD unless he wanted to communicate with Grandma.

“Grandma was a figment of everyone’s imaginations”

Dating back to my 4th grade talent show, I suspected that Grandma didn’t exist. On birthdays and holidays she was there for all of us, but other times Grandpa just talked to himself. As a child I had a difficult time separating fact from fiction, but more recently I found Grandma ignoring my phone calls. Still, I’m not sure who is to blame for the farts that emanate from Grandma’s seat at Thanksgiving.

“I Voted Trump”

Yeah, yeah. Don’t remind me.