So, it finally happened. You lost your kid. Don’t worry, it happens to all new parents— wait, this is your third kid? Uh oh. But hey, two out of three ain’t bad, right? But before you go framing your neighbor for child abduction, here are seven places you haven’t looked for your kid yet.
Inside a Rack of Clothes
Remember when you were a child shopping with your family at K-Mart and the most exciting thing in the world was to hide in the nearest rack of clothes? Then when your parent or legal guardian left without you, you screamed bloody murder and ran to the front of the store and had a 16-year old employee page your parent/legal guardian over the loudspeaker? What I’m trying to say is: go to your nearest K-Mart and absolutely shred every rack of clothes looking for your kid. If they can’t be found, page THEM over the loudspeaker.
2. In a Nursing Home
Some kids can’t resist the elderly passing out free hard candies. Youth have even been known to erect tents in the hallways, waiting for nursing home residents to die so they can ransack the candy drawers of the newly deceased. Pro tip: when you visit a nursing home to look for your child, don’t ask anyone if they’ve seen them. All kids under the age of 12 look exactly the same to old people. I mean, geez, should people over 65 even have the right to vote?
3. In a Voting Booth
You thought I was getting off-topic, but since it’s the week of your county elections, you never know if your child has developed an interest in local politics. Will the county pass Prop 82? Who should be our city commissioner? Your child may have the answers and right this second they could be voting! So go, get to the polls and find your child! Oh, and vote while you’re there. It’s important. Unless you’re over 65.
4. At the Bottom of a Ball Pit
So your child wasn’t voting. It’s a shame, too. If they get interested in politics now, they could be the next president! Or at least the next Press Secretary; I hear they’re hiring! Anywho, it’s probably time that you wrack your brains trying to remember the last place you saw your child. Was it… the ball pit at Chuck E’ Cheeses? It’s extremely possible, considering you blacked out after eating an entire large mushroom pizza to yourself. So go, dive into that disgusting, germy ball pit. Push the other kids aside! Brush the hypodermic needles away! Flick the used condom across the room! Way to go, you’ve reached the bottom of the ball pit! It looks a bit like the movie Tron. A glowing unicorn asks you what you’re here for. “My child,” you say. The unicorn hasn’t seen them. You slap the unicorn on the butt and swim towards the top of the ball pit. Your search has been un-fruitful.
5. Cutting a Hot New Mixtape
There’s a reason you play Run The Jewels on the way to soccer practice. You want your kid to be a star! It’s very possible that your kid has realized that and took the next step to realizing this dream. Right this very second they could be at Sunset Studios cutting the kind of mixtape that changes the world. You know the kind: three top-notch singles, a bunch of filler with a few great verses scattered throughout, and three or four skits that no one ever found funny. But those qualities are what makes fire mixtapes so flammable! So get on a plane, head to Sunset Studios, bang on the door, and ask for a cut of your child’s royalties! Oh, they aren’t there? Bummer. That plane ticket cost a lot of money.
6. At Uncle Jesse’s House
It suddenly occurs to you that maybe your child is at Uncle Jesse’s house for the weekend. Or are you thinking of Full House? Ugh, remember how dreamy John Stamos used to be? You know, they called it a “full house,” but only 8 people ever lived in that four-story house. Meanwhile, there are thousands of kids in cages along the United States’ southern border. I wonder what John Stamos would have to say about that.
7. Under a Pile of Laundry
Well, it’s been a long exhausting day of looking for your kid and you never did find them. I guess it’s time to cut your losses, do some laundry, and maybe try again for another kid. Time to get back into the swing of things. How will you explain this to the child’s older siblings? You grab a few clothes hangers. How will you explain this to your significant other? Maybe they won’t remember you had three kids? You start hanging your shirts and pants. It’s going to be weird telling the school system that you lost your child. Or maybe they’ll be smart enough to just show up to school on Monday. Then you pick them up and everyone acts like nothing ever happened. You hang up the last pair of pants in the pile and… what have we here? It’s a napping child! They’ve been asleep under your pile of laundry this whole time! You scoop them up and give them a hug to end all hugs. “I’ll never lose you again,” you say. Then you look down. They’re gone. The phone rings. It’s the nursing home. Your child is telling seniors to “hurry up and die” again.